Today i just have to wait for 4 am tomorrow since that’s when i have to get up for work on saturday. I basically just played video games all day until i find a way to get enough sleep for work. I miss her very much still even though i did nothing today, but i still feel empty inside and sometimes i enjoy it since its a feeling I’ve been used to when i was growing up. She did make my night with this.
I woke up almost not going to work, but I really do need the money no matter how much I dislike being a labor worker until said otherwise. I still feel empty inside and I don’t think that will change at all. I just tap into my anger when I workout, but when i had to walk to the other side of the park I got a little angry and sad when i walked past certain places and when memories came flooding into my mind. The good thing about working is that when we finally have projects to do my mind is really focused on that and I’m good for a while. After work and school i ended up calling her and got to have a long talk with her for like 2 1/2 hours and it was so great to talk to her, but my heart my jumping throughout. It’s great she talked to me for that long time, but i can’t look at that as her being romantically interested in me again because i truly don’t know how she looked at it and i shouldn’t jump to that. I say this because idk if she wants to love me, keep around as friends. I do know that she must find out things herself, but what are they is my question to myself and only time will tell. I ended up watching the movie warrior again to see if i can get some clarity about this empty feeling, but nothing so far.
I woke up just basically wanting it already to be 10 pm. There is a party tonight with a bunch of sea world people and I’ve just want to kill time until that time of day comes. I just sat at home until playing video games for sometime. My mind thinks of her a good amount of the time today, but thats ok i guess. When i finally got to the party it was awesome meeting new people and seeing a good amount of friends, but when I kept seeing couples around me it makes me feel so empty inside. I thought about getting drunk, but the thought of it just wasn’t that appealing at all. Overall had a ok night, but happy Halloween.
Pretty much no tears today. The reason because I’m starting to embrace the anger a little bit more just so i wouldn’t feel pain today. And again I still have her on my mind and wondering if i’m still in hers. I try to tell myself that there is going to be a time where i will fade from her mind and heart, but every time i try to cement that in my heart i always end up trying to fight. It’s not fair for me to be a burden on her life. I keep wanting to see her and that’s not going to change anytime soon. I decided to go fix up my tattoo just to feel some physical pain and see if that can help clear my mind and it does help a shit ton, but it makes me really wonder If i should let my anger take over or not. My anger would save me from further pain, but if i let this take over then when i finally do see her down the road I’m sure she’s not going to like what I become. Until lately I’ve always was willing to take the pain to show my love and i would never thought i would see here cry ever again,but when i did i felt like the worst person on this earth making an angel cry. The plan for me tomorrow is to try and find professional help for me and maybe they can shed some light on this whole thing.
The tears aren’t as great as the were the other day, but I feel so angry all the time. I don’t know what exactly I’m angry about. Sometimes it feels like I’m angry at myself, at her, at this whole thing. Most of my day is just wondering what is going on in her day instead of mine. The only places were i can get my mind of it is gaming and the gym, but every time i put down that controller and put down that weight and leave that place my mind shoots right back to her. It’s only been two days and i miss her so much and wish i can see her, but that’s not the best right now for both of us. Instead i decided to call her just to hear her voice and see how see was. She knows how much emotion i put into her and I feel her’s as well, but it’s not as big as mine and I’ve always been fine at that. She sounded like she’s going through a rough time as well. Watching her go to that door was the hardest thing for both of us. I always wonder if she thinks about me as much as i think of her, but i don’t think she does. Today I’ve watched the movie Warrior on netflix for the third time now these past few days and depending on my feeling during that time period i can see myself becoming the fighter Tommy who just let his anger control his mind and not worry about anything and other times I feel like maybe I’m fighting a losing battle with my heart. She wants me back into her life and be strong, but its hard for me to not look at her and not fall in love all over again.